i pulled a disappearing act.

phases in my life consist of Internet hostility and boycotting anything that involves action. for the past 20 days I thought about logging into the wordpress admin site to “write blog” but just thinking about doing it gave me motion sickness. Lacking discipline is what I do best. Days and weeks are spent in disappointment in myself for lacking the discipline to be motivated and therefore not a slug. Even though today I did log in and write a little somethin’ I will most likely be even more down on myself for slacking–this is because I will be disappointed in what I’ve written and I will also be pissed b/c it only took a few minutes and I’ll wonder why I don’t spare those minutes everyday to just do it.

This applies to every single thing: writing, exercising, making dinner, reading, my relationships, dieting, volunteering, saving money, make-up/appearance, cleaning, learning the guitar, speaking a foreign language, …

Work; the day job–it is a major source of time warp. I’m late almost every day because when I wake up every morning at the wail of my alarm I spent 30 minutes snoozing in a aggravated dream state, scenarioizing ways to quit, be sick, or be rich. After giving up I’ll rouse and put in just enough effort to appear. I don’t look good; I feel like a fraud and I’m usually starving. It’s not that I hate my job, particularly. I actually work with some pretty cool people. And, I have no idea what i would be doing if I weren’t religiously trying to capsize myself from the rat race. It’s not as if my weekends are filled with hobbies and secret affairs. Years have gone by of intermittent writing, editing…writing, editing, SLEEPING, boredom, writing, “I’m moving to Europe”, sleeping, editing, “fuck this”, inspiration, writing, “fuck. this.”.

and there it is. 20 days of resentment, anger and terribly censored bullshit. welcome to my happy home.