there is goal-tending. multiple fouls, with every movement in basketball there is some sort of whistle loving referee there to call out the damn sloppiness. there are players who are “old as shit” and ones bigger than Goliath, Garnett should be on Heroes. there are allioops, bench stats–(how warm the bench gets?) there is a lot of this: lanky orangutan arms thrown toward the sky, mouths gaping, heads shaking back and forth cartoon style (think the Wylie coyotes head as the ringer inside a bell) eyes darting from coach to ref in disbelief–This is bullshit, I did not just ram my Goliath orangutan mustang of a body full force into yours, skid you across the acre of waxed floor boards and then float by innocently like a turd just flushing on down the toilet. Not on purpose anyway. Coach are you going to do something about this??– *shoulders raised like the hair on the back of a dog ready to fight*.
The coach is consumed in a sweat induced, red faced eyeball brawl with a referee who doesn’t care. The referees are clearly thinking about when the hell this game is going to finish so they can get home and watch Golf. works sux.
…and oops, all that shite about fouls and instant replays and jeering and pointing and pushing and violations and time-outs, that was 30 seconds ago—the crowd is up…balloons are waving, sneakers screech worse than Saved by the Bell’s pubescent jew, rebounds OH OH, they’re up and running and OOOOH he’s hanging off the basket, he’s dangling like a decal in a rear-view mirror. the crowd is a mosh pit. something great must have happened, some unheard of play–is he a paraplegic and these were his first steps? did The Beatles just walk in?
wait, is the court getting an Extreme Makeover????
no, no, i see. 2 points were scored. oh wow, now they are tied. how unbelievably miraculous.
oh hey, it’s half-time. lets talk all about ‘being aggressive’ with the men in 3 piece suits who only talk about basketball because they can’t play it, lets analyze what goes through the minds of the high top wearing men, lets re-watch how they run here, no there, now back here, wait–up here, now he fell down but He’s UP, so are his shoulders. he’s appalled! How could you call that?? He did nothing of the sort. This is preposterous.
words like “leverage”, “jump shot”, “gamble”, “dominate”, “rebounding”, “defense”, “worn down”
ok. done.
the itunes commercial with Coldplay is only going to play 2983 more times and I’ve only seen 3430 of them.