Please, just tell me what it means.

Tequila, my friends.  (*shudder*  hearing “my friends” makes me think of John McCain in the last debate. I’m sorry if you are now picturing John McCain.  Picture Tequila.)

 It was brought to my attention today, when I called Tequila, “my friend”, that Tequila is in fact no one’s friend.
*whacks self in head with hand*  How could I be so stupid??  Thinking I can befriend Tequila is like confusing sex for love!   And so with Tequila…just because it makes me warm, fuzzy and oh so smiley (and hilarious may i add)–it doesn’t mean we have a friendship.  Here, all this time, I thought we *sniff* ya know…bonded.
There was that time in Philly when I made friends with all the cross-dressers at Woody’s–Helena Handbasket said she’d write!  We walked around in the freezing cold, for hours, and I thought–since Tequila kept me so warm–that, ya know, we were “together”.
Then there’s time we went to the beach together and I almost died of sun poisoning.  I felt so close to Tequila then.
Now that I think of it I probably would never have had sun poisoning if it hadn’t been for Tequila.
There were all those nights that I went to bed with Tequila…and when I got up in the morning Tequila was gone.   I felt nothing but sick, I tell you. Sick.
Then I think of all my hard earned money spent on Tequila.  I shouldn’t have to buy my way into this friendship!  Why doesn’t Tequila ever pay me?  I’ve anted up plenty for Tequila, sometimes even everything in my stomach, but Tequila has neglected to give me my one true desire…a friend.
So, on Friday I am headed out for happy hour with some good office friends.  We’ve been talking about getting some Patron together for a long time and that time has finally come.  The question is, do I continue wooing Tequila with my saucy ways or should I give up?  Will we ever, ever be friends?

Am I in the early stages of schizophrenia? maybe it’s just sleep deprivation…

Things to do at 2am when you cannot wake your boyfriend:
disinfecting the kitchen counter with Scrubbing Bubbles wipes
making a grocery shopping list for future dinner woes
eating leftover popcorn that you made at 9pm to keep yourself awake
folding laundry that has been in the dryer since Tuesday
cursing life
cleaning your jewelry
& last but not least, painting your toenails

Am I already making my transition into Senior Citizen mode?  I’m 29!! I’ve heard it all goes down hill by 30.  Is this it?

The past several nights I have been waking up between 1:15Am-4:20Am.  I’ll be sound asleep, as far as I know, and then wake up as if I had dozed off at work or something.  I am suddenly WIDE AWAKE and my brain is ticking quickly.  Two nights ago when I woke up my brain was loudly singing a Chuck Berry song.
No Joke.  “RIDIN’ ALONG IN MY AUTOMOBILE/MY BABY BESIDE ME AT THE WHEEL”   AAAAAAAAHHHHH!
How the hell did THAT get in there??
Then I lay awake for hours thinking about how I should eat more salads and names that I like for future children (no I’m not pregnant nor plan to be any time soon).
Eventually I get up and read a book but I hate being a quitter and not falling back to sleep.  Sleeping is what I do best and if I can’t sleep I am nothing to this world.
I’m not sure why this is happening–although I’ve had  A LOT of time to think on it and I’m hypothesizing that I’ve done something wicked and therefore must not rest.
So….
I will offer a confession of my “sins” and maybe this purging will cure my insomnia.  (I’m only going back to when the insomnia started–not to childhood.  that list wouldn’t end)

1.  I was 20 minutes late for work a couple days ago (but I emailed my boss and told her)
2.  I ate taco bell last night, which is a personal sin against myself
3.  I flicked somebody off but I hid it
4.  I told my boyfriend I’d break up with him if he didn’t quit working for someone I hate
5.  I bought a pair of jeans from JCPenny
6.  I drink wine nonstop
7.  I tivo Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
8.  I read Twilight and told everyone I hated it but I secretly liked it
9.  I bought a wedding gift for a friend and didn’t wrap it–I gave it to her in a Target bag
10.  I liked stabbing the bus driver with the epi-pen
11.  I lied to someone and said I liked their blouse but really it looked like barf

*Shew* okay, I hope tonight I will drool relentlessly in a shameless coma now that I’ve purged my sins.

This Subaru, although not mine, does remind me of what I look like driving down the road.  Okay, I’m not this bad, I don’t have a half a tree chained to my car masked as a bumper.  But I do refer to my Subaru Outback as “The Hearse”.  It feels like a death trap and it looks like it should be delivering a casket to a cemetery.  I’ve never been a fan of the grocery-getter style.  I’m young and without children so I really don’t want to be toting a couple hundred pounds of vehicle behind the front seat.  Isn’t that reserved for soccer moms and Costco enthusiasts?
So what is it about the Hearse I don’t like?
My image.
It make me feel too old and used; like I need to whip out a boob and suckle a baby and then run some cupcakes up to the elementary school for Mommy Day-where I’ll probably take heat from other mothers who baked their own goodies from scratch.  (I’ve heard the working mothers VS stay-at-home mothers is a vicious debate.  It’s one I don’t want to be involved in yet!)
My sucky Subaru is categorizing me into stereotypes I don’t belong in!
You may be wondering; “why the hell did you buy it then?”
The answer is: I didn’t.
I am a complainer and a very ungrateful piece of shit.
The car was very sweetly given to me; I gave a jolly smile and took the keys but secretly I was dreading the drive.
The car shudders uncontrollably at speeds over 55, the enormous station wagon part in the back shakes incessantly when coming to a stop, the car vibrates like a vibrator (seriously, Samantha from Sex in the City would love it), until yesterday, when making any left turn there would be a grumbling, grinding, disgruntled fart noise from from wheel well; we found out that the mud flap was loose and rubbing against the wheel so we took it off and now there are only 3 mud flaps on the car.  The antenna somehow came out of the antenna hole but it isn’t entirely ripped off so it’s tucked into the ski-rack on top of the car to keep from blowing wildly in the wind, and then there’s the smell.  There is a leak of some oozing black liquid that oddly enough is not oil.  I like to think of it as the blood and guts of the Subaru.  When the car gets hot it smells like we’re roasting tires and plastic bottles over a campfire.  It’s lovely.  Oh, and also the tires in the front leak so when they get low the car barely turns and I get to go fill them up every 2 weeks or so.  What a life!
I need to somehow not associate my car with who I am but that’s really hard to do when I get out of it and have to kick the side panel back on.  The reason I keep it is b/c I have no payments and it is a great way to save money; otherwise I wouldn’t be going to France.
Do you drive a beater car?  How do you cope?

working on Saturdays
climbing ropes in the pouring down rain for hours and hours for a work retreat….on a saturday
training all new staff
stabbing bus drivers with epi-pens
standing on my feet for 8 hours under a tent and repeating the same thing over and over
being invited to visit my friend in France!
attending a relaxing, nontraditional wedding
joining a writing club
writing!
calling 911
multiple Invisalign appointments (I didn’t think it would really work but it does)
relying on public transportation (car has funny firechemical smell)
getting a raise!
still not having enough money
bachelorette partying
30 Day Challenge Internet niche marketing (a little money challenge I thought I’d try)
buying new jeans
new haircut

I’m sure I forgot a major life event in there somewhere. It’s been hecticly busy. Is hecticly a word?
I’m really happy that this time of year is over; although I do hate wishing time away. it’s always my crazy, busiest time of year and I’m proud to say I’ve made it through another begining fall semester without maiming, shouting at, kicking/punching or otherwise insulting anyone in my direct path. I’m not sure about anyone outside of that path, I try not to look there.

I can’t even imagine what it must be like to come to America from wherever–and have to take a class on how to like us. I should have put my ear against the door to listen to what they were saying. If I really wanted to mess with them I could have waited for the session to end and then done the opposite of all the important information they just learned. But I’m really not a mean person–I just like seeing the pot get stirred…not with innocent people though I suppose. I always feel especially bad for the lost international students who are so timid and slight, I want to help them but I also kind of want to tip them over, like sleeping cows. sigh. i’m sorry you read this.

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a drip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke (hate karaoke!)
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone (if my divoce counts..or Gettysberg much after the fact..)
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised Children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below your neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten Sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life